Cork and Fork, OIA Area (Closed)

I tried this American Grill (Conway and Hoffner) last week on my way out of town. It replaced a Cajun place (Bayou something) that was similarly mediocre. I heard about the change via the Edible magazine. I've lost respect for them because of that. It's exactly the same place with different owner. They didn't change a thing to the decor. It even has the same finger prints on the seats. Cleaning crew, anyone? The menu is now derivative pub fare. I had 10 wings because the menu was so duplicative. They cost $10. They were ok. I had gastro-intestinal problems about six hours later. Not sure if it was their fault or Jersey Mike's. I can't posit any reason to make a trek here. They think mass market craft beer is acceptable. Their wine list is similarly pedestrian. The only reason to eat here is because you live here and the options are few. The tail end of a fad. Fork the cork. $3 soda!

Croissant Gourmet, Lake Mary - Closed

I had lunch here about two weeks ago. I thought for sure I reviewed it when I went to it in Winter Park. I guess not. This location is near the City Hall on Lake Mary Blvd. I had the Nordique Croissant because I had had a Jones for salmon around this time and I wasn't about to pay $8 for two pieces of sushi at Amura. Are they on drugs? For the equivalent charge, this place provided me with this nice sandwich. It's smoked salmon with cucumber and a dill sauce plus salad. It was good. This place was a cupcake place (not sure when they changed) and Lawless Subs. They also serve breakfast fare and pastries and salads and crepes. They all seemed palatable. Say it with me - Cwah-san. Not Croy-sant. Or God forbid - Crecent.

Grub Crawl - Antiques District: Nova (Closed) and Better Than Sex (Closed)

I tried these two places in the Antiques district on N. Orange last night. The first has been open for three weeks and the other for three months.

Nova - They are at the light on Virginia. I had a premonition about them and it rang true. I'm not sure if it the ugly sign, the generic name, the fact that they didn't open when promised, the fact that parking is in short supply or the fact that they made me come down here at night, but, I came in with a sour attitude. They did nothing but make it worse. And it had everything to do with the food. The place looks ok. It's like a tinier Houston's or Hillstone's or whatever they are calling themselves these days. They have a patio. There is kind of a lake view. The interior is simple and elegant (they tore down the dump that used to be here). There is a little bar. The music was too loud and it was dark. I needed my cell phone light to read the menu. The crowd was not hip. The guys looked like John Kasich Rumpled Stiltskins and their wives looked like they got Bernie Sanders to marry them. A Dan Newlin commercial come to life. Short sleeve dress shirts recommended. In retrospect, the food found its level. I had three apps because the entrees were commonplace and overpriced. Not that the apps weren't. However, this way I could give them (and you) more bites at the apple. I had what ending up being a salmon spring roll (the menu does a poor job of delineating what this is) for $12 and a Moroccan Scallop dish for $14 and a Tuna Tostadas dish for $14. The only good things among the three were the sauce the scallops came with and the quality of the tuna. Everything else (from the preparation to the conceptualization) was bad. The salmon (two rolls) was flavorless mush and the rolls were greasy. The rocket they served them with was over salted. There was some kind of drizzle that was barely observable. The scallops (2) may not even have been scallops. I couldn't find that abductor muscle or whatever it is. They also did not taste like scallops. They had no taste. And Gordon Ramsey would have smashed them into a plate and yelled "Raw" if he was at the pass. I eat alot of scallop sushi/sashimi, so, I'm not against a silky scallop. However, a scallop cooked on the raw side can't work in this dish. It's served on a sweet corn puree (hot) with some kind of meat mixed in. You need a firmer/warmer scallop to make this work. Throw in the fact that the "Moroccan" spice (no taste) made it pitch black. Your eyes told your stomach to get ready for something overcooked. And them you get an pillowy ice cube. The tuna was given the same spice treatment. It did more to ruin the tuna than complement it. They pair it with some pita like "tostadas" that stretch the understanding of the term. The final insult is an avocado puree that was way too salty and creamy. Just do it by hand. There are some sliced radish thrown in there too. Actually, the final insult was that these numb skulls brought out everything at once. My relaxing dinner was over in fifteen minutes. The rest of the menu is from the a time when Taio Cruz and One Republic were popular. All the proven hits. Crab cakes, fried chicken, steak, salmon, hamburger, short ribs tacos, etc. A scoop of Boursin cheese they call a cheese plate. I guess it is just as well because any time they riffed they bungled it. They are out of Atlanta. The place seats about 90 (before the heat descends on them and they lose half of their capacity). You have to valet. I don't like giving my laundry to the dry cleaner and he's not a pimple face moron high on Afghan Kush. They are starting lunch on Monday. There is nothing new here even if they become competent in the kitchen. It's a saturated niche. And the prices are high. $10 wine by the glass and all entrees over $22. I spent $50 on three apps and a soda. I'd avoid it, but, I'm sure the Simple Simon's of Central Florida will love it. I had better food ($10 lamb stomach tacos) later on that night at a bar. Insert your own Chevrolet joke here.

Better Than Sex - I followed their interminable build out for months and this was the real reason I came down here. They are only open at night. It's not my bag baby, but, I wanted to "collect" it. They didn't have any tables open, so, I campagned for a glass of wine that I would drink outside. The place serves dessert, wine, beer and cordials. It is decorated in a plush manner. It's very red and dark. The owner is cute and sweet and so was the staff. It's near that Wolf something or other cafe.

BTW - Listening to the Lions opener. Has any one, ever, seen Brek Shea do anything? Why are people in love with him. He's just taking up space. Speaking of which. Is Kaka playing? Does he get royalties on the poop emoji?

Grub Crawl - Orlando: Freddy's (Closed), Flavors Nigerian and Ameca

I went to these restaurants on S. Orange Ave yesterday around lunch. The first is near a new strip mall with a Diarrhea Flats and the other two are in an old strip mall a few hundred feet further south. Man traffic sucks down there.

Freddy's Frozen Custard and Steakburgers - This is a chain out of Wichita KS. They have been open for a month. Let me just say that you know the world is upside fucking down when we have one of these and hundreds of McDonald's. For nearly the same price as a Big Mac Combo, I was treated to a quasi-excellent double cheeseburger with real toppings, triple the fries and a drink. The meal cost $8 and the burger alone is around $4.50 (Big Mac is around $4.19). The patties were expansive and thin. I like two kinds of burgers. The hand molded, double ground artisinal "house" burger that is rare on the inside and the crusty, crannied, thin "crusty" burger. This is the latter. The patties had texture. A rippled surface resembling the inside of an English muffin that has maximum surface area to get crispy and develop flavor. This creates craters that hold the juice and grease and oozing cheese and proves that some ham handed weasel didn't press all the life out of the patty while it cooked. I couldn't see if they covered the patties to get the complete cheese melt, but, they accomplished it somehow. And two layers of cheese. Not one layer between two patties. The beef also tasted like it may have have come from a cow. Most fast food burgers now taste like cardboard or worse. The cheese was a little salty. It came with pickles (cut long wise so they don't squirt out of the sandwich), onions (halos) and mustard. You can add lettuce, tomatoes and ketchup for free. Of course you should. They forgot the tomato (was on the receipt), but, the other items were very fresh. And the thing stayed warm for a while. I've noticed that fast food fare seems genetically engineered to lose its heat in under a minute. I guess so you might be disgusted and buy another or you will give up your seat more quickly. The fries were also great. Very thin shoe strings. I'd say their burgers are better than any other fast food or fast casual chain burgers in the country. I find In and Out Burger to be a "go to" response for most people. However, I think they aren't what the used to be. I take these over them and definitely over 5 Guys. If they had better cheese it would be non-negotiable. They also serve custard, chicken tenders, chili, hot dogs, chicken breast, veggie burger, grilled cheese and for some reason a California Burger. The place looks like a Johnny Rocket's. White tile, red around a red and black foreground. Steel trash bins. Pictures of the owners from various points in time. It seats about seventy. They have a drive thru. It was close to being packed. You order at a counter and they call your order number. It will be on the low price point "Best of 2016" list. A real shocker.

Flavors Nigerian - Welcome to the area's only Nigerian restaurant. It was my first time trying this cuisine. It looked closed every time I went by in the afternoon, but, they are open at lunch time every day except Sunday. Dinner ends at 7pm (6pm W and Sa). It was what I expected. It's at the bottom of the food tennis ladder. Caribbean like. Limited flavors and ingredients. I had a Fufu (pounded white yam "globule") platter for $13. It comes with fish or chicken or goat. The owner was nice enough to let me try all three. I would guess by the condition of the meat that she makes a big batch on her day off (Sunday) and then warms it for the rest of the week. All the items were like jerky. Dry, tough, overcooked. She said the fish was whiting. It was a "steak" cut. I'm used to seeing it as a fillet, so, I can't confirm. Not that you particularly care to when the item is whiting. I mean how much worse can it get? The sauce/rub was like a medium hot tomato based red curry. It was ok. It also came with a side of stewed spinach mixed with ground and boiled melon seeds. The menu says Ewdu (jute leaf) and Ogbono (mango seed). The owner told me what I wrote. I mango has a big pit, so, I think they mistranslated on the menu. It was ok. Better than I expected. It also had some dry shrimp and other things in there, so, I chickened out. I saw a thing that was probably a shrimp feeler and it made me think of a roach feeler. I know how they love to get over on whitey (even though we seemed to have a good rapport), so, I let it be. I haven't tried the yam "pillow" yet.  They also sell fried rice, soup, gizzard, porridge, bean cakes, and other native dishes. I would like to see what African honey beans taste like. It seats about forty. No one was there at two pm. Cheapest item is $11.

Ameca - This is a restaurant and taqueria a few doors down. It looked like a place I might get knifed for entering from the street. However, it wasn't scary. It has been there for six years. It's a Guadalajaran type of Mexican. I had four soft tacos to go for $1.25 a piece. Makes me hate gringo pricing. I had a barbacoa, buche (pig belly), cabeza (face - probably cheek), and suadero (shredded beef and onions). They also had others. Along with a menu of most popular dishes. All tacos were very good. All but the buche were beef. They threw in an extra tortilla, so, I really had five tacos. They use pre-made tortillas. The tacos are plain and then you add what you want from the salsa bar. It has eight or nine booths. One other couple was there. They have beer. English was not a problem.

Grub Crawl - I Drive: Ichiban and Pao Gostoso Bakery

I went to these places on the north side of I Drive today for lunch.

Ichiban - I was dreading this encounter and they didn't disappoint. It's an Asian buffet that unconsciously provides you with a theme experience. That theme would be - holiday soup kitchen or post disaster gymnasium. The lunch buffet is $8. I used a 10% of coupon to see if they would cop out. They kind of didn't. They only discounted the buffet portion. That's a whopping eighty cents. You have to buy a two dollar soda to qualify for the discount. The only items that I dared to try were some sushi and butter shrimp and a fried crab claw. The crab claw was just paste fried around a crayfish claw. That is the funniest thing ever tried. The frozen crab claw they usually use is bad enough. The shrimp were ok. The sushi scared me. You can't take a culinary concept that requires better ingredients and use the worst of breed. They were using talapia! And talapia that had it's corners curling. I'm not sure if that was what did it or if it was the sale priced sausage from Publix (every sale item they sell is spoiled) I had last night, but, I had to use their two stall (not enough and already full by the way) restroom after plate one. *If you are observant enough, you will notice I said plate one - to my eternal shame. There were others even after the IBS*. They also tried some rainbow rolls, etc that did have ok salmon. That makes them less cheap than Koy Wan (who incidentally tried to tack on an extra $5 to my last signed receipt). The tuna was paler than me and they used talapia again. I had some ok spicy tuna rolls and avocado rolls. The real issue is the crowd and the cleanliness. They can't do much about the customers. They try and shelter their own people by having a "yellows" only side. And perhaps the "untouchable" people also create the mess. The carpet was littered with food and utensils. My cup was sticky. The rags I saw them "cleaning" the tables with could start a "Genesis"  like project on a lifeless planet. And of course the place was packed. I think it has been there for about a year. They didn't take any prizes and they didn't take Amex either.

Pao Gostoso Bakery - This place is in a little Brazialian enclave across from Sonic. They say they have been there for six years. I may have been here before. It's just a little bakery for sweets and hand held meals. I had a Chicken Esfirra for $3 and a Chicken Frango for $2. The first was a triangular soft roll with cheese and chicken inside. It was fresh even after a date with a microwave. The other item was a tiny, biscuit like chicken pot pie (sans veggies). Also, fresh. They had around ten sweets and ten savory items. They didn't list the prices. The place has three, connecting, open rooms. A patio. A main area. A tv room. Not bad.

La Calle, OIA

I grabbed dinner to go at this Puerto Rican restaurant on 436 on Monday. It is in the strip mall that is the second from the airport. I think Publix (not Walmart) is the main tenant. The menu seemed better than what they served me. I had limited time and free hands, so, I just had a Pernil con Barbacoa sandwich for $7. It wasn't good. To start with, the owner/cook coughed right in it. She was moving slower than a lazy healthy person could, so, I assume she dragged herself off her sick bed to keep the gears moving. That is admirable up until the point that you infect all your customers. I was getting on a plane, so, I figured I was doomed anyway. It turned out that either I'm "Zika free" since 2003 or she wasn't that contagious. The pork was like the worst dark meat leftovers from Thanksgiving that your mother pawns off on you while you are getting into the car to leave. Slimy, undercooked, membrane coated, tough pork. Obviously not cooked long enough. Straight out of the buffet display. Gross. I had to pry apart the flesh with my hands. It was too much work for my teeth on their own. It came with purple cabbage slaw and an isipid, store bought barbeque sauce. She pressed it. Took another ten minutes. The roll was the best part. It's a shame because she had some interesting items. Mofongo in a pot pie like pastry cup. Can Can pork chop. They have been open for around a year. The space is small. It is decorated in a feminine way.

Grub/Pub Crawl - Mills Ave: Black Rooster Taqueria (Closed), Guesthouse and Thirsty Topher

I went to these place last Friday night. The first two adjoin near Virginia across from Pig Floyd. The last is down towards the train tracks on Virginia.

Black Rooster Taqueria - They finally opened either the Tuesday before this or the Tuesday before that. Local fish wrap have had them opening ever since the Spring. I had the guacamole for $6 and a meatball sopes for $3 and an achiote pork soft taco for $4. The guacamole was freshly made to order and had a perfect chip to dip ratio. The chips were fresh too. The sopes was excellent. A mix of beef and pork with beans and a nice mole. The taco was good. I know it is weird coming from me, but, I thought it could use some/any salt. The place is small. You order and fight for a seat and they bring it to you. It was jammed. The menu is small. What I ordered plus a shrimp ceviche, four other tacos, two salads and two bowls. That's it. Not sure if they are starting small until they get into a groove or if this is all it is going to be. It's ok. Alot of competition in this food space. I didn't think we needed it when I heard about it and I'm still not sold. Not because they don't measure up. Because there is saturation.

Guesthouse - This is a little bar next door. I think it has been open for five months. The center is all bar. It has a Spartan sophisticated feel. Part mixology nonsense, part craft brew, part lounge. It had a clean crowd that was diverse in almost all the ways that can be. It's a pleasant boite. I'm not sure, but, the space may have been some kind of dark, comfy bar before this. I always get confused by the layout on Mills.

Thirsty Topher - Like the Irish girlfriend in Caddyshack, "Iams told" that they just moved here from down the street. It's a little craft brew bar with a back patio. It's kind of like Celery City in Sanford. Maybe that's just because they have the same video menu that hides the prices from you. I think it is a Rollins favorite. The crowd had some groups (why always in fours) that could have fit that description and older folk. They had a food truck selling pizza outside. Look for the marshmellow pie. I don't get why there is a buzz about it, but, I don't have any complaints about it either. Other than the complaint I have for all three of these places - lack of parking.

Grub Crawl - I Drive: Boi Brazil, Sugar Factory and Paramount Fine Foods (Closed)

I went to these places yesterday for lunch/ The first is off Kirkman on the north end and the other two are at the Ferris wheel.

Boi Brazil - I expected this review to be unkind. They really surprised me. To start with, I don't love these kinds of establishments. If I'm going to be impelled towards gluttony, I don't want it to be something that takes days to digest. I've bypassed this place numerous times because I knew I would still look pregnant come the weekend. And there is always a chance that a stranger might see me naked on the weekend. Although, it seems to be the case that a belly full of meat isn't as bad as one filled with carbs. Especially if you forgo carbonated beverages. I will say that all the passengers are still on the train at this point in time though. This place is a Brazilian churasscuria. They prepare ten skewers of meat that they bring table side. They also include a "buffet" of salads, pasta, soup, etc. I tried ten things. Some multiple times. Everything was good. I had sirloin, top sirloin, tritip, garlic steak, sausage, chicken drumstick, chicken breast wrapped in bacon, parmesan crusted pork chop. lamb, and maybe another type of sirloin. I really liked the tritip and steak. I also had a sample of cous cous, tabouli, chicken salad, potato salad, beets, tomato and mozzarella and a sauce that I think was meant for the spaghetti. All were fresh. The beets and mozz tasted soapy. Maybe the plate was soapy in that area. They also provided some interesting "rolls" that were more like popovers and were called bao de something. I think they were warm. I didn't taste until the end of the meal. I would say that the $25 buy in ($5 more at dinner) is a little steep unless you have a Homer Simpson like stomach. However, I've spent $17 on four wings and a tritip sandwich at 4 Rivers. So, I guess that isn't that outrageous. It helps that the free magazines around I Drive have a coupon that drops the price to $21. The water wasn't disgusting, so, you can save three more bucks if you stick with that. The price is equivalent to Fogo or Texas. I was worried that this place wouldn't provide the same selection and the ambiance is obviously less apparent. However, they compare equally on meat. I don't think the other two have a coupon. The decor is a little shabby. It feels a little cheap. It seats about sixty. It started getting full as I ate. They have been there for two years. They own the terrible pizza place next door and what was called Nelore in Winter Park. I was prepared to tell you to avoid this place. Now I would say that it has good, fresh food. Use a coupon. There are some other places that charge less. They have less meat selections.

Sugar Factory - This is a candy/ice cream restaurant chain that is in around eight other cities. There is some affiliation with the Jenner Kardashian girls. The restaurant part is only open at night. It has a Cheesecake Factory feel. The menu is way smaller and is mostly desserts, crepes and around ten meals. They have a Sunday brunch with a full menu. I had a strawberry ice cream (1 scoop) for $4. I was fluffy and didn't taste like it was concocted with natural ingredients. It looks nice. Very white (color not race). It's not cheap. An impressive looking ice cream sandwich was $10. They have been open for three months.

Paramount Fine Foods - This is apparently a Canadian chain. They are opening up in Lake Mary (old Lime locale) and Downtown. It's Lebanese style Middle Eastern cuisine. I just had a falafel sandwich to go for $6. It was ok. It may have been better if I ate it right away. It needed more sauce. The falafels were a little dry. They added pickled turnips (I think), parsley, tomato and green peppers. The menu is typical: shwarma, kebabs, kafta, dips, sujuk (sausage), burgers, etc. They also do pizza and manakeesh (Middle Eastern pizza). They said that they started as a service less endeavour, but, now they have that. The place is big. It seats around eighty. It has a glass waterfall at the entrance. The seats have an alligator pattern. The inside is mostly dark earth tones. The kitchen is in the back. They have a dessert counter and a take out counter in the middle. I missed the lunch specials. They may need some more bus boys. Alot of the tables were still a pig sty. I'm not sure if they get alot of children or adult customers that act like them. Lunch specials end at 2pm. They have been open for nine months. The serve breakfast. Alot of Middle Eastern looking families were eating there. They are behind the Shake Shack.

Brigadoon Old Florida Fish Camp, Port Orange

I hit this place last night on my way back from Hilton Head. Where I had a respectable seafood shanty meal at a place called Hudsons. So, it is possible. No luck here. I ended up here because place number one had a forty minute wait and place two was just another outpost of that Hidden Treasures place I already tried. This place is on the south side of a bridge/bay on US 1. Take 95 to 421 and make a right on US 1. Or take 14 to 46 (NSB) to US 1 North. It's really a small bar with only outdoor seating (6 picnic tables). They were closing, so, I just had a tuna poke for $11. It was terrible. Bad, warm, mushy tail meat. Small portion. A bad soy/teriyaki sauce. Rice as mushy as grits. Ok slaw. The menu is small. Wings, burgers, salads with some fried items, poke, steamed stuff and this and that. The one saving grace is that they have blue crabs. Service was friendly. The menu says they were established in 2015. They have a bait and tackle shop and what appears to be a retail seafood shop.

Boondocks, Wilbur By The Sea

I tried this seafood shack on the intercoastal (S. Peninsula Dr) for lunch on Tuesday. You take 95 to 421 (Dunlawton) across the bridge and hang a right onto Atlantic Ave then a right onto Marcell about a mile down. It bears to the left at the water. I went because it was on that regional list in the Sentinel. It was ok. Nothing special. It's like many of our blue collar tourist traps. I mean what will it take to salvage this genre. I've seen them resurrect bbq, cupcakes, coffee, Mexican, Asian, tubed meat, beer and many other food categories. Can't the chefs of America do something with the dockside seafood shanty? I'm embarrassed to be a Floridian (hell an American) while these places are the best we offer. It's an insult to the seafood we murder. This place was ok for the company it keeps - as I said. I had a special of fried shrimp and clams for $9. It came with over salted and over bay seasoned fries. The clams were the usual frozen blend. The shrimp probably was too, but, they weren't the most suspicious I've ever had. They weren't oily. I think that was more of a result of them being batch fried and left under a heat lamp. They came out in thirty seconds. The price was way lower than these items on their own for some reason. They usually run $14 and $16. The whole menu is really two times what it's worth if not more. I'll say 50% because all seafood places are delusional. They have the typical land food. Seafood is mainly crustaceans and crap fish. Their "special" was kasa (sp). It's worst than talapia or whiting. Highest profit margin. Service was good. It seats about sixty. It's in a plastic tent. One side is a bar. They have a patio. It's in a small "marina".

Antonella's Pizzeria, Winter Park

I grabbed dinner to go at this Italian restaurant on Saturday. It opened recently. I believe it is the daughter and son in law of Stephano What's His Name. I reviewed his place a couple of months ago. Well, I liked this more casual place alot better. They took over the Pi Hole space on Fairbanks across from Keke's. It looks similar inside. Maybe some new photos and knick knacks. I went in for a pizza and came out with a slice and a mambo combo. The slice was $2.25 and the combo was $11. The combo consisted of manicotti (shouldn't one be manicotto?), a meatball, chicken parmigiana and bread. All were delish. The meatball was huge and better than the one I had at Stephano's. The manicotti's ricotta was nice. The pasta was good. The chicken was unbelievable. Huge. An inch thick and shoe sized. All this was covered with a quality mozzarella and a very basic, fresh tomato sauce that may have had a little oregano and garlic. The sweetness comes from the tomatoes themselves, I think. When I got home, I took a bite to sample before I had to warm it, if I had to warm it. Then I took a second. Then I had a talk with myself. Then I waited. It took so much will power. And I had already eaten. It was one of the afternoons where you kept looking up from the TV or book to see if it was dinner time yet. Is 5 pm dinner time? It was on Saturday because I couldn't stand it anymore. I even like the bread. Ate so much, I had to cancel my night's festivities because I looked preggers. The slice was the only disappointment. which is funny because that is all I've been hearing about and what I came in for. A fresh pie may be better. I think this slice (small) was at least a day old. The crust was stale. Otherwise, it seemed ok. A little thick. The cheese tasted too nutty when it was hot, but, the flavor weakened as it cooled. They have a medium sized menu. Say three or four of the same (popular) recipes spread across meats/seafood/veg. Calzones, stromboli, snacks, heroes, pasta, etc. They have alot of lunch specials. Pricing is good. Seating is limited (16) and I think they want you to order out. It's way better than what was there before and I would take it over Stephano's if I was picking sides.

Dave's Boathouse, Winter Park

Rollins College has a bar. It's open to the public. This can't be a good thing. And I'm one of the reasons why. You really want guys like me on campus hitting on co-eds? Not to mention the under age and excessive drinking issues. Well, it's your funeral. Thank you for this very "progressive" decision. I stopped by on Saturday afternoon. It is in front of the swimming pool which is in the back of campus. It looks nice. Kind of like a new, blue collar seafood place from the Seventies or maybe earlier. It has those low ceilings and  dark stained wood that opens up a room. I think I saw a portal. The front is a little more modern. Some canvas accents. It's huge. It's as big as the dining hall. The menu is impressive. Stuff like tequenos, fried pickles, poutine, etc. Alot of "hip" dishes. They also have a "deli" counter. They have only wine (unfortunately from Quantum Leap) and local craft and big bottle beers. They have alot of flat screen TV's showing sports. It wasn't very busy. It's very lucky for the both of us that I don't live in WP or I would walk around pretending my name was Dean Martin. Why wait for Rollins girls to walk down Park Ave when you can go find them. The only thing Park Ave had going for it was food and pretty women. Now both are down the street.

Market on South, Milk District

I went to this Vegetarian restaurant for lunch on Saturday. I believe it has been open for just four months. It is on the edge of the Milk District at South St (aside the 408) and in between Primrose and the street at the edge of the private airport. South St runs one way, so, make sure you hit it east enough. I had a Georgia Peach Sloppy Joe because Edible magazine said it was good and I thought it sounded fun. It cost $11. They write on the menu that it is made with their "special meat" or something to that effect. I guess that means tempeh or tofu. I'm not sure how they differ. The sandwich had so much bbq sauce that I can only guess that the "meat" was fried in some way. It tasted crunchy. The sauce was very sweet/cloying. The peach was almost non-existent. There was alot of sauteed onions. The bun was good. It was a huge portion. It came with a side. I chose potato salad. The potatoes weren't cooked long enough. It came in a cute glass. The sandwich came on a metal try. This had to be a fat bomb. This and the "hybrid engine" type pricing always makes me laugh at vegans. Wait until you see what I got at Antonellas for the same price. And that meal was probably healthier if you can believe it. They have enough options so you could (barely) have a different option each day of the week. Things like a tofu LT, fried (again) green tomatoes with eggplant, kale salad, etc. They partner with Valhalla Bakery for more "healthy" alternatives. It's a cute place. It seats about thirty outside and thirty inside. It looks like a house that became a grocery store that is now a restaurant. It's rustic. They have a mural on the back wall. They "rent" (floor) space for end cap type displays of artisan crap. I'm not a woman with body and Daddy issues or a member of the proletariat or gay or oppressed or hypochondratical or too sensitive for my own good, so, I guess I'll never get veganism. I'll just have to wait for a health related problem that I think can be solved dietetically before I join the cult. However, it is a cute place and at least they are trying to make the food appealing. Just remember it ain't healthy. It was packed on a rainy day. Parking was no problem.

PSA - Amex Rental Car Damage Protection Warning

Amex has stripped a number of its benefits from card holders. Among them is the benefit that used to cover your deductible if you or someone else damaged your rental car. Double check your contract (ask them to send you an updated one) to see if you are effected. You can (supposedly) find cards that have the coverage at www.youcarrentalclaim.com and the main amex site. They are now pimping a $20 a rental "Premium" service that you have to arrange with them on top of time you spend choosing a rental. I'm sure there is no correlation. Also, be forewarned that they knuckleheads will let you go all the way through the process of filing a claim before they deny it. They never tell you it is because of the kind of card you have. They even send some bs email that you didn't rent with your Amex. They don't have the decency to tell you that your card has been stripped of privileges. I wonder if the rental car companies know which cards are covered and that makes them more likely to start a claim against you? And as always, tell your friends.

Grub Crawl - Downtown: North Quarter Tavern (Closed) and Coffee Culture Cafe and Eatery

I went to these two fairly new spots on the north side of 50 on N. Orange Ave at lunch on Wednesday. They are calling the area North Quarter. I was worried about finding available parking (free). It wasn't an issue. I guess all those condo dwellers are at work at that time.

North Quarter Tavern - I had their fried chicken entree with potato salad for $15. It may be the best fried chicken I've ever had. I don't mean in Orlando. I don't mean for thighs. I mean anywhere ever. I've been to almost every place on Triple D and then some. I've had it honey dipped, hot peppered, broasted, double fried, Cap'n  Crunched, rice floured, corn flaked, panko crusted, gluten free, - you get the picture. And it didn't take much. The recipe was basic. The execution was marvelous. I don't want to make too much of this because maybe it was a fluke. You try and tell me. My order had two nice sized thighs (not my favorite part) that seemed like they had a good pedigree. They flour them - bathe them in buttermilk - flour again and fry. No double fry even. They discard the skin (and bones). They came out moist but not rare (chewy/slimy). The crust had volume, stuck well (oil at right temp) and was crisp and not burnt or oily. No oil odors. The "batter" had just a pinch of salt and black pepper. The potato salad was also top notch. Nice tiny red potatoes with mayo, fat slabs of bacon and maybe a tad too much Dijon mustard. A big pile. They presented the meal on a wood carving board with pickles (sweetish) and pickled jalapenos. Both pickled items added a little zing when the other elements became too rich. A nice palette cleanser. The place looks great. High ceilings. Lots of windows. Outdoor patio. The inside is painted red and some gray tone with black ceilings. There is wood and white tile splashed around. The bar dominates the center of the room. They have flat screens. The tables are mix of high tops and regulars. They have black and white photos of our city in frames. It seats about sixty. They have a separate bar that opens at 7pm. Service was fine. A little bare bones at two (the amount and the time). The menu is familiar, yet, inventive. Neo-pub stuff like brats, meatloaf, burgers, steak frites. They have a chef de cuisine and executive chef. I was told they actually show and even show for lunch. They have been open since July (I think). The owner is/was partners at Citrus, etc. He must have been the soul. This place is everything that stupid Two Chefs or whatever they call themselves promised they would be. I'm at half chub for this place. The only problem is they aren't open for lunch on Saturday.

Coffee Culture - I grabbed a turkey sandwich to go at this Canadian chain that is next to NQT. I was worried that Black Rooster would still be closed (it was) and I didn't feel like cooking dinner. Plus I needed to tell you good people (all three of you) about it. It's like a Panera. Sweets, coffee, sandwiches. The Sierra Turkey sandwich cost $7. Do they speak Spanish? Do they know it means "mountain range"? What they hell does that have to do with turkeys? Do Canadian turkeys live in the Rockies? It was ok. Two thickish slices of turkey that has somehow just gotten out of the bath. Slices of a good, racquetball sized tomato not 80% seeds and water. Ok lettuce. The bread was foccacia like. I had cheese on it. They pressed it. The place is large. High ceilings. Forgettable interior. They said the franchisee is fielding offers if you want to buy it. They don't take Amex.

Pub Crawl - Downtown: Island Time, Ferg's Depot (Closed) and Herman's Insurance Office (Closed)

I went to these bars on Saturday night.

9-11pm: Island Time. This place is in Thornton Park on E. Washington. It was a tapas bar. They have wine and beer now. They have a few snacks like Jamaican patties. They have fire pits. All the girls I met were lesbians. No, they weren't just pretending to dissuade me from making lewd advances. It wasn't like that. Prices were cheap. Selection not bad. It's just shack.

11-11:59pm: Ferg's Depot. On the tracks on Church. They finally started serving dinner that night. More of the place is open. It was still pretty empty. But, all of downtown was. They gave me half a glass of premium whiskey for $8. Unbearable music from a jukebox.

12-1am: Herman's Insurance Office. I may have the name wrong. Not the Herman's part. It is the latest from the NV/Hansen's guys. A cocktail lounge. The door guy gave me the old "private party" line and then let me in to look around. I just stayed and they didn't toss me out. The bartender was cool. There were some good looking girls there. Bigger than NV or Hansen's. But so is my car. It's in the alley between Church and W. Pine on the highway side. It still has the awning for the place it replaced. I think stardust something. My drink was $12.

I should also mention a bar I went to a few weeks ago and is kind of new, It is on Orange and W. Washington. Across from the Independent. Beer bottles/cans all over the walls. It is called,,,,, F me if I can find it on Google. Seriously, how does that company thrive. I never get an answer to any of my searches. How is this technology worse than when they started? Anyway it is there and has some stupid, forgettable name.

SoCo, Thornton Park - Closed

I went to this Southern restaurant in the old Hue Space (East Central Blvd) on Saturday night. I'll take a stab in the dark and say the name is short for Southern Cooking (wait I see on my receipt that it is Southern Contemporary).Well Soco was just so so. Beyond the snooty and fruity manager (let's call him Peebles) and the tiny, semi-prive dining room and the cuisine of the hour menu, it doesn't appear that this chef can translate his (purloined) vision to the plate. It was the same at his other diversion - Baoery. They said he was in that kitchen on this night. If (and I've seen no evidence of it so far) he can cook then he can't delegate (or teach). I'm bored with new-Southern cooking by now, so, I just tried two dishes (that didn't break the bank) that would test them in two separate directions. I had an oyster app for $9 that came fried in cornmeal. The four oysters were decent. There was some sort of white dressing and some green tomato accents. Not bad. I also wanted to see a cold preparation, so, I ordered their steak tartare. I also did this because I've had it in at least three other spots downtown and figured it would be worth comparing them. This was the worst of the bunch. They added almost nothing to the tasteless beef. I usually hate how much salt chefs feel we should ingest. However, this had no salt and no pepper. Also, no mustard or capers or egg or onions or whatever is usually in a tartare. I'm all for reconstructing, but, this was a canvas with no paint. They claim to have added some chicken skin. It was indiscernible. There were some poorly chopped scallions in there. The "toast" was also terrible. They were still soft in the middle. They also brought this (the bigger plate) out first and then the oysters right after. It needed to be oysters (cheaper and smaller plate) - pause - steak. All they did was force me to order more drinks elsewhere. I would order the burger if I were you. It has to be the same thing. The waiters came by with some free fried hominy for all during the meal. If I didn't truly believe it was a kitchen fuck up (the salt DC used for de-icing last week), I would have been thankful. It would have been good if they didn't fuck it up (oversalted). And that is the impression they made. Good intentions with poor execution. I think they think a little too much of themselves. They need a glass of cold water to the face. Walking around the area, I saw that they had the most open seats. Maybe the public is speaking and they aren't listening. Maybe this guy (Greg Ritchie) is wilting under the weight of two restaurants and people thinking he's keeping Madonna from their son. Maybe they were executing well before Baoery and will again in the future. Who can say. I can say that I won't. I don't like making reservations. I don't like being relegated to the remedial room (bar). I don't particularly like treating southern cuisine as if it is acceptable in a white tablecloth restaurant. There are too many other places more desperate for my patronage. The place looks nice. They aren't one to let a fad pass them by, so, they are heavy into whiskey at the bar. There is also a circular main dining room and a patio. They offer you a whiskey shot before your meal. Parking is a pain in the ass. They think they are too good to do lunch. Did I mention Fruity Peeples?

PSA - Phone Scam 646-569-6913

I'm not sure if I PSA'ed about a BS IRS phone scam right after tax day last year, but, it appears we have another round. Read what I cut from David J. a Lead Investigator for a web site called scamcallfighters.com. I'm not endorsing them. They just came up when I searched the number. You should make a habit of that before you return a call. The gist is that the call (like the one in April saying the IRS is suing you) is BS. I hope this alleviates anxiety.

The web page where I found the info below is http://www.scamcallfighters.com/scam-call-6465696913-IRS-SCAM--FOREIGNERS-STATING-IRS-IS-SUING-US--To-Call-646-569-6913-Tax-Scam-37250.html. The message I received didn't adhere to this script (probably adjusting it). The beginning was garbled, but, they said "someone filed a lawsuit (sounded like IRS) in my name and I must respond before it went before the local county court". If it was the IRS they used as the imaginary litigant then it would be a tip off that they think they use county courts to conduct their business. Plus it would be weird to say a lawsuit was filed in my name. That makes it sound like a proxy/agent filed a suit for me. A person with legal expertise would say a lawsuit was filed against you. Although you can't always count on proper grammar and vocabulary from legal professionals or bloggers.

Explaining the scam:

The pre-recorded message is a scam. The message is left by automated dialers set up by scammers in India & other foreign locations. The computers are programmed to call thousands of numbers everyday, to leave these threatening messages.

When you call back, you will encounter one of those Indian or other foreign scumbags who speak poor English! Recent immigrants and seniors are their primary target.

(On 15th Sept 2015, an Indian woman and her boy friend were arrested by Leonia PD for making scam phone calls posing as IRS agents and stealing ~$150,000 from innocent tax payers. More Details: www.scamcallfighters.com/Transcript-of-Ten--IRS-scam--voicemails-submitted-by-users--Did-you-get-one-too--blog-74.html )

The IRS will never call anyone “out of the blue” and ask to pay. IRS will send notices through regular mail.

The IRS will always send written notice through the U.S. postal system of any taxes due, and will never ask for credit, debit or prepaid card details by any form of communication

For more info on this scam and links to file complaints with the Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration, please go through the Article at:

www.scamcallfighters.com/Dont-fall-for-voicemails-purportedly-from-the-IRS-about-to-sue-or-arrest-you--blog-75.html

Chutneys, Sand Lake Rd - Closed

I grabbed dinner to go at this Indian restaurant on Saturday. It replaced Lolailo (thanks for saying you weren't caput all summer when you were) four months ago. That's the strip mall on Turkey Lake Rd that has the new PGA Superstore and I think Gold's Gym. It seems to be a chain in India. The owner says he owns a couple of them there. It doesn't feel like a chain at all. They have a $10 buffet. It looked acceptable. 5 meat dishes. I had the Chicken Chettinad because I had never knowingly had it before. It was basically chicken cubes in a masala that showcased black pepper. It was good. I had it medium and that was pretty hot. It came with basmati rice. Good, It seats about eighty. It looks acceptable. They have a large mural of an elephant caravan on the wall. It still was serving a third full restaurant at three pm. The menu was solid. Most meat/vegetable/seafood groups. Even goat and lamb. Some Asian style dishes. Dosas. Prices were in line. I can't find much fault with my visit. I didn't forget to punctuate. They spell it that way.

Grub Crawl - Sand Lake Rd: Le Coq Au Vin Bistro and Urbain 40.

I had lunch at these two restaurants on Saturday. This was after my first, second and third choices were still not open or closed for lunch. I decided to review them together because they have similar menus and price points. One was disappointing and one was a surprise. The first is in the strip mall on Dr Phillips. The other is in the old Cantina Laredo spot in the Via Dellagio complex.

Le Coq Au Vin Bistro - This place replaced Bistro Clo Clo and you wouldn't know there was a change. And that is a bad thing. You can still expect a small, dull menu of "greatest hits". The one accomodation/deviation was a schnitzel. The worst thing they did was make me question whether the "real" Coq Au Vin was as good as I remembered or if I had subconscioully graded it on an "Orlando" curve all along. It has been at least ten years since I have last gone to it. Maybe it's not so great either? Maybe it was just "recommended" when the Orlando food scene was primordial? They say that this place has their old chef and is run by the family. Hopefully, he was sleeping off a hang over and his retarded cousin cooked for me. I had their fish special for $14. As I said, the rest of the menu is about as creative as any music made by Millenials (when they aren't straight up ripping off copyrighted material). And it's expensive for what they offer. The fish was grouper and on the plus side it was grouper. I think they "borrowed" a recipe for deep water flat fish like tile fish or monk fish and used grouper. It must be plentiful this year because I have seen it on way too many menus lately. The sauce was a tomato, beurre blanc. It was congealed on the fish. How one manages to congeal a sauce on a warm fish still dumbfounds me. The fish was sauteed properly, but, it was leaking water/fish juice. I can only surmise that it was frozen and it hadn't defrosted completely before they cooked it. The "juice" did not help the tomato "paste" on top. And that paste tasted of white wine that hadn't had the alcohol burned off. Fail. In concept and execution.  It came with great french fries. Maybe the fish guy beat the fry guy to the pass and that is why the sauce congealed. I should have anticipated a poor entree after I tasted their bread. It did not seem home made or fresh or good. The butter was a complete insult. It was frozen solid and tasted rancid and/or of the other things it spent the night in the freezer with. And that's if it wasn't melted down from previous meals and reused. They also did not refill a $3 soda. They didn't do anything to the interior. They have been open for four months. There were four other tables eating while I was there. I heard grumblings. They said the manager just left. I wonder if that is a sign. Maybe the rats are already leaving the ship. Maybe he/she was responsible for this mess. This sentiment was made all the worse thanks to an article in the Orlando Weekly that I was reading at the time. It directed me to the next place I'll write about

Urbain 40 - They have been open for half the time and already have their shit together. Even for a meal requested after the expected time window. The place is the domain of a Moroccan family that has some bigger "concerns" in CF. I forget what they are. They say the place is an American bistro (or something like that), but, it's really more of a Parisian bistro you would have found in  Morocco or a Moroccan/North African influenced bistro in Paris. You could throw in LA, Palm Beach, Miami  or NYC too. The decor reminds me of Trader Vic's (less Tiki) or The Palm ( the originals). Someplace that my grand parents would take us to because it was "in" when they were young and had managed to survive. It's probably the palm tree patterns above the booths. I think they just say "American" because it's not totally French and they think anything Arab sounding would die on the vine. The article said the place looks posh and it does. I would recommend that they separate the two rooms (lounge and dining room) because you get the ass view of the bar (the staging area) if you're on the kitchen side of the dining area. Plus the decors of the two rooms are different enough as to clash. The dining area seats about 50. They have sooo much space free space that you could probably bring your wife and mistress to dinner at the same time. Half "booths" dominate the walls. They even have little corner booths in the middle of the room. I love the chandeliers. That's all I'll say. See them yourselves. The walls are a medium toned stained wood. The vibe is supposed to be the 40's. I think that makes it Art Deco even though this looked more Art Nouveau. I may have that confused. The kitchen is all white tile. It is open. They have a chef's table. The lounge is all wood and has a piano and tributes to Sinatra. It seats about fifty. They are going for a vintage "men's club" vibe. They sell a lot of brown liquor (as Steve Harvey would say). They have two private room done up as libraries. The menu was mostly French at lunch. They add more Italian and seafood/raw bar items at dinner. Prices were reasonable. I had a "lunch box" of three items (can do four) for $14. I chose French Onion Soup, Half a Croque Monsieur and Peanut Butter Chocolate Petit Fours/Squares. The soup was tasty. A cup that was more than enough. It came with everything it was supposed to come with. The ingredients weren't cheap. The presentation/cup was elegant. The Croque was beautiful. Dali couldn't have melted the cheese over the sandwich with more elan. The flavors were impressive as well. A regal ham and cheese. The dessert was also delicious. Two squares of delectable chocolate. ET's finger would have squirted green spuge over these "Pieces". The bread was excellent and home made. It was still warm. The butter was soft and didn't taste like stale fish. Service was great. Knowledgeable. Helpful. Dressed professionally. I saw a "fajita" style Mussels plate come out twice. That looked like a winner. They played Forties era music/covers by new artist's like Michael Buble. I had the "rape song" (Baby It's Cold Outside) in my head the rest of the afternoon. I thoroughly recommend this place. It's everything that Le Coq Au Vin could be and everything it could never be. It's not even a question of where you should spend your money. They don't even break the $3 mark on soda.