Cork and Fork, OIA Area (Closed)

I tried this American Grill (Conway and Hoffner) last week on my way out of town. It replaced a Cajun place (Bayou something) that was similarly mediocre. I heard about the change via the Edible magazine. I've lost respect for them because of that. It's exactly the same place with different owner. They didn't change a thing to the decor. It even has the same finger prints on the seats. Cleaning crew, anyone? The menu is now derivative pub fare. I had 10 wings because the menu was so duplicative. They cost $10. They were ok. I had gastro-intestinal problems about six hours later. Not sure if it was their fault or Jersey Mike's. I can't posit any reason to make a trek here. They think mass market craft beer is acceptable. Their wine list is similarly pedestrian. The only reason to eat here is because you live here and the options are few. The tail end of a fad. Fork the cork. $3 soda!

Croissant Gourmet, Lake Mary - Closed

I had lunch here about two weeks ago. I thought for sure I reviewed it when I went to it in Winter Park. I guess not. This location is near the City Hall on Lake Mary Blvd. I had the Nordique Croissant because I had had a Jones for salmon around this time and I wasn't about to pay $8 for two pieces of sushi at Amura. Are they on drugs? For the equivalent charge, this place provided me with this nice sandwich. It's smoked salmon with cucumber and a dill sauce plus salad. It was good. This place was a cupcake place (not sure when they changed) and Lawless Subs. They also serve breakfast fare and pastries and salads and crepes. They all seemed palatable. Say it with me - Cwah-san. Not Croy-sant. Or God forbid - Crecent.

Grub Crawl - Antiques District: Nova (Closed) and Better Than Sex

I tried these two places in the Antiques district on N. Orange last night. The first has been open for three weeks and the other for three months.

Nova - They are at the light on Virginia. I had a premonition about them and it rang true. I'm not sure if it the ugly sign, the generic name, the fact that they didn't open when promised, the fact that parking is in short supply or the fact that they made me come down here at night, but, I came in with a sour attitude. They did nothing but make it worse. And it had everything to do with the food. The place looks ok. It's like a tinier Houston's or Hillstone's or whatever they are calling themselves these days. They have a patio. There is kind of a lake view. The interior is simple and elegant (they tore down the dump that used to be here). There is a little bar. The music was too loud and it was dark. I needed my cell phone light to read the menu. The crowd was not hip. The guys looked like John Kasich Rumpled Stiltskins and their wives looked like they got Bernie Sanders to marry them. A Dan Newlin commercial come to life. Short sleeve dress shirts recommended. In retrospect, the food found its level. I had three apps because the entrees were commonplace and overpriced. Not that the apps weren't. However, this way I could give them (and you) more bites at the apple. I had what ending up being a salmon spring roll (the menu does a poor job of delineating what this is) for $12 and a Moroccan Scallop dish for $14 and a Tuna Tostadas dish for $14. The only good things among the three were the sauce the scallops came with and the quality of the tuna. Everything else (from the preparation to the conceptualization) was bad. The salmon (two rolls) was flavorless mush and the rolls were greasy. The rocket they served them with was over salted. There was some kind of drizzle that was barely observable. The scallops (2) may not even have been scallops. I couldn't find that abductor muscle or whatever it is. They also did not taste like scallops. They had no taste. And Gordon Ramsey would have smashed them into a plate and yelled "Raw" if he was at the pass. I eat alot of scallop sushi/sashimi, so, I'm not against a silky scallop. However, a scallop cooked on the raw side can't work in this dish. It's served on a sweet corn puree (hot) with some kind of meat mixed in. You need a firmer/warmer scallop to make this work. Throw in the fact that the "Moroccan" spice (no taste) made it pitch black. Your eyes told your stomach to get ready for something overcooked. And them you get an pillowy ice cube. The tuna was given the same spice treatment. It did more to ruin the tuna than complement it. They pair it with some pita like "tostadas" that stretch the understanding of the term. The final insult is an avocado puree that was way too salty and creamy. Just do it by hand. There are some sliced radish thrown in there too. Actually, the final insult was that these numb skulls brought out everything at once. My relaxing dinner was over in fifteen minutes. The rest of the menu is from the a time when Taio Cruz and One Republic were popular. All the proven hits. Crab cakes, fried chicken, steak, salmon, hamburger, short ribs tacos, etc. A scoop of Boursin cheese they call a cheese plate. I guess it is just as well because any time they riffed they bungled it. They are out of Atlanta. The place seats about 90 (before the heat descends on them and they lose half of their capacity). You have to valet. I don't like giving my laundry to the dry cleaner and he's not a pimple face moron high on Afghan Kush. They are starting lunch on Monday. There is nothing new here even if they become competent in the kitchen. It's a saturated niche. And the prices are high. $10 wine by the glass and all entrees over $22. I spent $50 on three apps and a soda. I'd avoid it, but, I'm sure the Simple Simon's of Central Florida will love it. I had better food ($10 lamb stomach tacos) later on that night at a bar. Insert your own Chevrolet joke here.

Better Than Sex - I followed their interminable build out for months and this was the real reason I came down here. They are only open at night. It's not my bag baby, but, I wanted to "collect" it. They didn't have any tables open, so, I campagned for a glass of wine that I would drink outside. The place serves dessert, wine, beer and cordials. It is decorated in a plush manner. It's very red and dark. The owner is cute and sweet and so was the staff. It's near that Wolf something or other cafe.

BTW - Listening to the Lions opener. Has any one, ever, seen Brek Shea do anything? Why are people in love with him. He's just taking up space. Speaking of which. Is Kaka playing? Does he get royalties on the poop emoji?

Grub Crawl - Orlando: Freddy's (Closed), Flavors Nigerian and Ameca

I went to these restaurants on S. Orange Ave yesterday around lunch. The first is near a new strip mall with a Diarrhea Flats and the other two are in an old strip mall a few hundred feet further south. Man traffic sucks down there.

Freddy's Frozen Custard and Steakburgers - This is a chain out of Wichita KS. They have been open for a month. Let me just say that you know the world is upside fucking down when we have one of these and hundreds of McDonald's. For nearly the same price as a Big Mac Combo, I was treated to a quasi-excellent double cheeseburger with real toppings, triple the fries and a drink. The meal cost $8 and the burger alone is around $4.50 (Big Mac is around $4.19). The patties were expansive and thin. I like two kinds of burgers. The hand molded, double ground artisinal "house" burger that is rare on the inside and the crusty, crannied, thin "crusty" burger. This is the latter. The patties had texture. A rippled surface resembling the inside of an English muffin that has maximum surface area to get crispy and develop flavor. This creates craters that hold the juice and grease and oozing cheese and proves that some ham handed weasel didn't press all the life out of the patty while it cooked. I couldn't see if they covered the patties to get the complete cheese melt, but, they accomplished it somehow. And two layers of cheese. Not one layer between two patties. The beef also tasted like it may have have come from a cow. Most fast food burgers now taste like cardboard or worse. The cheese was a little salty. It came with pickles (cut long wise so they don't squirt out of the sandwich), onions (halos) and mustard. You can add lettuce, tomatoes and ketchup for free. Of course you should. They forgot the tomato (was on the receipt), but, the other items were very fresh. And the thing stayed warm for a while. I've noticed that fast food fare seems genetically engineered to lose its heat in under a minute. I guess so you might be disgusted and buy another or you will give up your seat more quickly. The fries were also great. Very thin shoe strings. I'd say their burgers are better than any other fast food or fast casual chain burgers in the country. I find In and Out Burger to be a "go to" response for most people. However, I think they aren't what the used to be. I take these over them and definitely over 5 Guys. If they had better cheese it would be non-negotiable. They also serve custard, chicken tenders, chili, hot dogs, chicken breast, veggie burger, grilled cheese and for some reason a California Burger. The place looks like a Johnny Rocket's. White tile, red around a red and black foreground. Steel trash bins. Pictures of the owners from various points in time. It seats about seventy. They have a drive thru. It was close to being packed. You order at a counter and they call your order number. It will be on the low price point "Best of 2016" list. A real shocker.

Flavors Nigerian - Welcome to the area's only Nigerian restaurant. It was my first time trying this cuisine. It looked closed every time I went by in the afternoon, but, they are open at lunch time every day except Sunday. Dinner ends at 7pm (6pm W and Sa). It was what I expected. It's at the bottom of the food tennis ladder. Caribbean like. Limited flavors and ingredients. I had a Fufu (pounded white yam "globule") platter for $13. It comes with fish or chicken or goat. The owner was nice enough to let me try all three. I would guess by the condition of the meat that she makes a big batch on her day off (Sunday) and then warms it for the rest of the week. All the items were like jerky. Dry, tough, overcooked. She said the fish was whiting. It was a "steak" cut. I'm used to seeing it as a fillet, so, I can't confirm. Not that you particularly care to when the item is whiting. I mean how much worse can it get? The sauce/rub was like a medium hot tomato based red curry. It was ok. It also came with a side of stewed spinach mixed with ground and boiled melon seeds. The menu says Ewdu (jute leaf) and Ogbono (mango seed). The owner told me what I wrote. I mango has a big pit, so, I think they mistranslated on the menu. It was ok. Better than I expected. It also had some dry shrimp and other things in there, so, I chickened out. I saw a thing that was probably a shrimp feeler and it made me think of a roach feeler. I know how they love to get over on whitey (even though we seemed to have a good rapport), so, I let it be. I haven't tried the yam "pillow" yet.  They also sell fried rice, soup, gizzard, porridge, bean cakes, and other native dishes. I would like to see what African honey beans taste like. It seats about forty. No one was there at two pm. Cheapest item is $11.

Ameca - This is a restaurant and taqueria a few doors down. It looked like a place I might get knifed for entering from the street. However, it wasn't scary. It has been there for six years. It's a Guadalajaran type of Mexican. I had four soft tacos to go for $1.25 a piece. Makes me hate gringo pricing. I had a barbacoa, buche (pig belly), cabeza (face - probably cheek), and suadero (shredded beef and onions). They also had others. Along with a menu of most popular dishes. All tacos were very good. All but the buche were beef. They threw in an extra tortilla, so, I really had five tacos. They use pre-made tortillas. The tacos are plain and then you add what you want from the salsa bar. It has eight or nine booths. One other couple was there. They have beer. English was not a problem.