Hangry Bison, Winter Park

I just got back from this Firefly replacement across from the movie theater. The guy from Pizza Vadiamo (sp?) took over the lease and stripped the pub grub menu to just burgers. Sadly they can't even get that right. They may have served me the worst burger I've ever had. And I eat Krystal burgers. The short rib ground was burnt on the outside and raw in the middle. They dust stormed it in some needless salt and spice rub. Drenched!. The grind was bad. It had cartilage and vein bits galore. The patty was formed in that half hand/half mold compromised way. The meat had no taste. The burgers must be "assembled" on a plastic menu with oil marker. The bun may be pretzel, brioche, lettuce leaf or Texas toast. Four clichés. Four things I hate about "gourmet" burger culture. The meats can be short rib, bison, turkey, salmon, and chicken (?). The cheeses were the usual plus beer cheese (melted nacho cheese sauce). The veg were the usual. And they also force several "glazes" on you. I can't imagine how much worse the burger would have been with any of those. They had ranch dressing as a sauce! Is there any greater sign of gastronomic impotence? In Australia I was trying to explain to a guy how some Americans dip their pizza in ranch dressing. Much to his amusement. This may be as bad. I kind of recall a few pithy "extra toppings". Can't recall them now. They add the cheeses are $1.50 more. Not that it matters, but, I had a short rib ($10) with beer cheese and green olives and onion and tomato. It came with a side. I chose fries. They were served in a little fryer basket and that was the extent of their charm They were also over salted. They were another cliché I hate. Those skin on offenders that never crisp up. Sodas were $3. The place looks exactly the same. They even replicated (didn't update) the booze section of Firefly. I recoiled in apprehension when I saw their signage over X-mas. I knew it would suck. I knew I would have to waste both my money and time there. Intuition was dead on. They can't even conjure up an original moniker. Is it Smiling Bison or is it the Hairy Buffalo? No. It is the Hangry Bison. Good one! An interesting (to me) side note. My step brother coined the phrase "hangry" in the Nineties. He also came up with bacne. As well as a host of other acne related (as well as others) words (like nacne) that are derived from where the acne is located on the body. Aside from zed. Which was a dick zit. I have added some words to the English vocabulary as well, but, I doubt you will believe either of the stories I have just told you. It makes me chuckle when I hear them though. You wonder how this game of telephone worked its way through the country. I was also responsible for the "Baby It Is Cold Outside" controversy. FYI.

In any case, this place sucks. The funniest part is that they claim to have "won" the best burger in CF award. I wonder what questionable publication is responsible for that? I love these "fan vote" contests of a dozen or so entrants. These are the same hayseeds that vote Sonny's BBQ best barbeque and Tijuana Flats best Mexican. And those are some of the lesser obscenities. If it wasn't clear, stay clear of here or you will be as angry as a bison getting fucked by Mike Tyson..

1000 Degrees, Lake Mary

I tried this new assembly lime pizza chain on International Parkway (next to the poke place I just reviewed) on Thursday. It opened ten days ago. It's like Blaze (and probably like the California chain Midici that awaits a visit) et al. You line up. You select a size and toppings. You are served. I tried two pies for posterity. A ten inch (also available in fourteen inch and roman) gluten for $9 and classic margherita for $8. I chose the signature marinara sauce for both. Shredded mozzarella with sausage, pepperoni, onion and mushrooms on the first. Fresh mozzarella and basil on the other. They were fine. The mushrooms were a bit grimy. The sauce tasted like Chef Boyardee. The sausage was made up of those goose shit looking pellet droppings. However, the crust was mainly chewy (the first half of my first pie was dry) and the pie thin. The fresh mozz pie was a bit soggy. I was surprised by how much they put on and how much surface area they covered. The pep was Hormel like, but, ok. The onions were fresh. We can all agree that they could source better, but, there is a profit to be made and I don't think we come here for that. I do wish they would attend that sauce. That can be remedied cheaply and effortlessly. it is the preeminent sauce. I stopped at those topping, but, there are no limits. They have eight meats and cheeses and sauces and sixteen veggies to choose from. They prepare eight pies for instant ordering. They are a dollar more. They have five salads ($8) and two types of wings and breadsticks and two desserts. Beer and wine (?) too. The place looks new. It is new. And modern. and clean. They even offer up knives and forks. Fountain and bottled sodas. It's not a bucket list item, but, it is an option. The line was a dozen or so deep for the duration of my meal. HQ is in Galloway NJ.

Poke Joint, Lake Mary - Closed

I had lunch at this fireworks factory yesterday. It is in International Parkway in between AAA and 46a in a new strip mall. The first pyrotechnic display happened fifteen minutes after arrival. The second at 4:30am. And the latest at 2pm today. I'm not sure of the science behind such things. It wouldn't seem possible for something you put into your body to pass through (or push previously eaten items through) so quickly. However, I am assured that the 4:30 showing can be attributed solely to what I ate here. The only undigested scallions I had lately were from here. They came from the tuna poke bowl ($12). Nothing else I've eaten in the past few days had scallions. I know tuna can cause mercury poisoning, but, the Poke Joint seems to be exposing us to Freddie Mercury poisoning. An attack on the immune system.

They serve two types of tuna. One marinated and one plain. The plain looked so pale I had to go with anything else. The tuna was poor in quality. It was soft and flossy. Cheap tail cuts. I detected a fishy taste in some of the pieces that weren't overwhelmed by the marinade and the extra squirt from the piss bottle. If I cared more for my well being (or hadn't figured the damage was already done) I would have stopped eating and demanded my money back. The rice was no better. Dry as could be. I wouldn't be shocked to learn that they make it the day before and refrigerate (dry) it. That or their warming pot is set too high. They also do salmon. This is probably the worst of the six or so poke places I have reviewed in the last twelve months. So, needless to say it was packed. It seats about forty inside and ten outside. Order at the counter. They have been open for five months. It may be up your alley if you don't like the thought of an enema but need to cut weight fast.

*A pizza place (1000 Degrees) seemed to be opening next door on that day.

**Here are some items I sampled while in Australia. I'll put the region in after them if it is known or if not Australian. They have a lot of Asian restaurants there. Feel free to imagine my comments where they should be and then go and research what they are. A "#" will mean they said it was the national dish. Here we go: Chili peas (?), Golgappe (India), Lamb Rogan Josh (Kashmir), Musselman Beef (Kashmir), Barramundi tacos, Crispy Skin and Pork Belly Banh Mi (Vietnam), Ark Shell Clam, Pacific Kingfish, Dusk and Egg Jian Bing (China), Shanghai Noodle Soup with Smoked Fish (Shanghai), Prawn and Pork Soup Bun (Shanghai), Amok Trey (#Cambodia), Crocodile and Snow Peas (China), Sliced Donkey Meat Salad in Chili Powder (Sichuan), Battered Flathead, Crumbed Blue Grenadier, Stewed Pork Belly in Savory Sauce (Singapore), Japanese Fried Chicken (Japan), Hand Torn Noodles with scrambled Egg and Bok Choy (Xi'An), Pork Rougamo (Xi'An), Coconut Ice Cream with Coconut Chips in Avocado Puree (Vietam), Chicken Kottu (#Sri Lanka), Calypso Mango, Scallop Pie and Bruny Island Oysters. I also came across things like stuffed frogs, nitrogen iced coffee. wallaby and a chicken patty the size of your head (Taiwan) that I didn't try. Their McDonald's serves grilled cheese and gravy fries.